A Huge Musical Mistake
Because of my post about Elevation band's new album I've been getting emails telling me about other "great" worship bands with recordings on the internet. Most of the emails are from well-meaning church members pumping their band...others are from band members themselves. As a result I've been checking out mp3s and videos from a bunch of church praise bands...many from some of the top churches in America. I gotta tell you...there are some really female-sounding MALE worship leaders and crappy praise bands out there!!!
Music moves me...however most of what I've heard over the last few days has only caused my bowels to move. A vast majority of it has been fairly lame cover bands...doing lethargic note-for-note versions of Hillsongs United and Chris Tomlin...almost like they are a NyQuil-induced karaoke act with guitars in their hands.
The worst was a large "innovative" church that did an entire message series around U2 songs. First off...U2 was cutting edge...20 years ago...they are only cool these days to 30-something artsy-fartsy wannabes. Secondly, the worship leader looked like Christopher Cross (yeah...the 70's wimpy guy) and sounded like George Michael!!! Don't get me wrong...the musicians in the band smoked...but as soon as the worship leader started singing the words to "Vertigo"...you just wanted to holler out "Hit me with it one more time RuPaul."
Far be it from me to assume I know anything about church planting or church leadership...but I do know a lot about good music. With that in mind I offer the following helpful hints for church pastors when it comes to their church's praise bands and worship leaders.
1. If your band sounds like Culture Club with distorted guitars...it's a HUGE musical mistake to put their music up online. They suck...and anyone listening to it will think you and your church also sucks.
2. If your male worship leader sounds like Helen Reddy...can his butt IMMEDIATELY!!!
3. If the band members think that Coldplay and Matchbox Twenty are innovative...slap them real hard in the face with the latest compact disc from any band that headlined this year's WARPED Tour!!!!
4. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and flies like a duck...most likely it's a duck. If your worship leader walks fruity, talks fruity and acts fruity...guess what...
5. If your target market is rednecks...feel free to have your guitar player finger tap like Eddie Van Halen during a solo. If not...tie him to an ant mound...cover him with honey...and nicely ask him to stop.
6. Christian T-shirts suck...they have always sucked...they will always suck!!! It is better for your band to go topless than wear them!!!
7. Lynyrd Skynyrd is a great band. Putting cheesy Christian lyrics to their songs will have you riding the short bus to your next innovative churches conference.
8. If the guy trying out for worship leader sounds like Frankie Goes To Hollywood...relax...don't do it...hire somebody else.
9. Eletronic drums went out with The Cars and Devo. These days they are only good for sitting potted plants on in your church's foyer.
10. Teenage middle schoolers can pull off the whole "High School Musical" look...not middle-aged worship band members. Also...horizontally-challenged people (like myself) should never...I repeat....NEVER...wear mid-riff exposing shirts on stage!!!
Final note - Please stop emailing me suggestions for other church bands to go look at or listen to on the web. I've had all of the Michael-Bolton-on-helium worship leaders fronting ABBA-sounding bands for a while. I've got to crank some serious ZZ Top and old-school Van Halen through my head just to recover!!!
