Let's Talk About SEX!!!
That's it...I've had it with trying to be myself or doing things differently. I'm tired of never being the "in" church around town that everyone goes to. I want more people, so I'm going to do what all of those church leadership conference speakers and mega-church bloggers said to do...I'm going to be just like them!!!
With that in mind, Compass Point is going to jump on the bandwagon and launch a series about SEX! Our hope is that we - like the dozen or so other churches that copied Granger Community Church and did a SEX! series - will create a buzz in the community by using the cheap tactic of promoting a controversial subject.
According to most of the church growth experts, marketing is the key. I found out that people are not looking for spiritual answers at church these days, they are looking to be taken in by gimmicks (no wonder our attendance hasn't been exploding). With that in mind, here is the marketing plan for our SEX! series:
1. We'll use a really suggestive advertisement on billboards, flyers and postcards like the one above (click on the thumbnail to see a larger version).
2. We'll give out tacky gifts to our guests that play along with the theme of SEX! We're thinking about using condoms with the "Prayer Of Jabez" printed on the side. You know...the "enlarge my territory" prayer. It'll be kind of like a Christian Viagra.
3. We've worked out a deal with Hef and his team to give out free Playboy Magazines throughout downtown Lakeland with our own customized "from your friends at Compass Point" cover. There's even a possibility that they may do a special layout for it entitled, "Girls Of The SBC". Of course, we won't call them Playmates or Bunnies. This is church, so we'll call them "Love Offering"!
4. To really create a buzz, we're going to use a celebrity on the first day of the series like Fellowship is doing with Hulk Hogan. We're planning on using either Dr. Ruth or that chick that Hugh Grant got busted with!!!
5. We're going to include video clips during the message that are relevant to today's culture and creatively visualize the subject of SEX! We're thinking about using classics like "Debbie Does Dallas", "Deepthroat" and "Behind The Green Door". However, we won't use "The Devil In Mrs. Jones" because that talks about Satan...and Osteen said that's a negative subject to talk about in church.
6. The worship band will wear latex each week and start each service with a Snoop Dog tune.
7. We are going to have a special free seminar about SEX! for couples in our community. We're so excited to be bringing in Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson to speak at that! Compass Point really lucked up as they both had a break in their shooting schedules!
8. For the next twelve weeks every piece of advertising, email or stationary from Compass Point will feature the word SEX! spelled in all caps, bold print, underlined and followed by an exclamation point.
9. We'll endlessly blog about the series to other church leaders in the attempt to look like we're relevant and cutting-edge!
10. Last but not least, we'll write a book about SEX!, shamelessly self-promote it, package the whole thing (graphics, Bible studies, video clips, message notes, etc.) and sell it for hundreds of dollars to other churches that also lack imagination or creativity.
The entire Compass Point staff and leadership is pumped about SEX! I'm so glad we stopped listening to what God wanted us to do and starting stealing what worked at every other church out there. Now we'll finally see the growth that really matters on all those "end-of-the-year" top church lists...numerical growth!
NOTE TO THE HUMOR IMPAIRED - Granger did it first and did it the best. Word of wisdom...when you're only ambition is to follow the lead dog, the view will always look like ass. There's enough copycats in the world of churches...be your own dog!!!
NOTE TO THE TERMINALLY CLUELESS - No, Compass Point isn't really going to do a message series about SEX! or use the marketing ideas listed above. It was a joke to make a point. It's called satire! Now go back to your deacon's meeting.
The word "Ass" in the Bible refers to a Donkey, not the backside of a dog or the buttock area of an individual. So... it would be ok to refer to a donkey in such a manner not the back side of a dog... Illustration: Hey Honey the Ass got out of the barn again.
The word damn is used in condemnation, so if you use that word in the right context it would be ok as well. Just not being used as a curse word.
Illustration: Honey the Ass got out of the barn. The donkey is damned to destruction.
The word Hell is used to describe a place made for the devil and his angels. If used in the right context it would be ok. NOt using it as a curse word either.
Illustration: Honey the Ass got out of the barn again. The donkey is damned to destruction. Too bad the damned ass can't be sent to Hell. We know damned ass's can't go to Hell because they have no soul.
Of course, I do not see why most of you would use those words. They are so KJVish and most of you don't use it right? So modernize your language. Notice the modern day useage of the old english words "ass" "damned" and "Hell"
Illustration: Honey the donkey got out of the barn, I put it under condemnation. To bad the condemned donkey can't go to Walmart.
So .... it should read...
NOTE TO THE HUMOR IMPAIRED - Granger did it first and did it the best. Word of knowledge...when you're only goal is to follow the lead 4 legged mammal, the view will always look like Hiney. There's enough copyfelines in the world of Studygroups...be your own 4 legged mammal!!!
(ha ha)
Posted by: Will | October 28, 2007 at 03:11 PM
To the "Humor Impaired" & "Terminally Clueless" who think this goes too far - this is commentary, not promotion. And, if you think this commentary lacks decorum, it does, but a lack of cultural decorum is not a biblical standard for assessment of error. Jesus made a biting comment about that fox Herod and the murder of the prophets by the Jews, and he called a gentile woman a dog. Paul said he thought it would be a good idea if the false teachers at Galatia cut their genitals off. Stephen sliced and diced the Jewish leaders just before they killed him. And, read the gospels sometime and see how rude Jesus was to people. Being nice often perpetuates mediocrity and a cultural view of what is right, good and acceptable.
Pastor Chris - let 'er rip, not for the purpose of being controversial, but for the purpose of confronting error and proclaiming the truth. Well done, in my opinion.
Posted by: plodblog | October 09, 2007 at 03:11 AM
hi,
good site :) Whish you good luck!
Posted by: AlteloLit | October 08, 2007 at 06:36 PM
Wow! That's some funny stuff and you made your point big time. Good job!
Posted by: Willis | August 29, 2007 at 11:41 AM
I came over here from Garbage Man's Blog. That was great. Thank you for the laugh.
Now I need to get back to my sermon "The truth behind the Song 'Bind us together Lord'Chains are not optional"
-M
Posted by: Imperfect Warrior | August 21, 2007 at 04:24 PM
I enjoyed your satire and critique of the sex-crazed church growth marketing freaks. I do, however, agree that we must be careful with our words especially when putting them out for the entire world to potentially see. Of course we have a right to humor and laughter as Christians, just as well a duty to point out false teaching to our bro/sisters in Christ. I am not saying you were out of line here, but I want to encourage you to dwell on those things that will build others up! Eph 4:29
Posted by: buss | August 18, 2007 at 01:48 PM
I am somewhat hesitant to post this thought, knowing that negative feedback and criticism feed your obsessed ego. Are there any lines left to be crossed? How far is too far? How can God be honored by such putrid humor? I expect a commit back from you telling me to grow up, lighten up and to get a sense of humor. That’s a great defense in the 4th grade. I have one thought, “THE HOLY SPIRIT HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING, AT LEAST YOURS ANYWAYS”.
Posted by: Lance Coffman | August 17, 2007 at 01:22 PM
what in the world have pastors become ? All these whining blogs are about I'm not the biggest and best church that everyone is going to...I was number 64 in popularity , now I'm in the toliet....GROW UP....IT'S NOTABOUT YOU ANYWAY....has CHrist even been mentioned in your whinin posts? LISTEN TO YOURSELF.....you're crabbing about "church ratings"......so to get good "ratings" throw in some SEX......
Jesus (oh..there's His Name) used a whip so it must be biblical.........WHAT IN THE WORLD........
He used the whip because the IDIOT RELIGIOUS LEADERS turned the HOUSE OF GOD INTO A 3-ring circus (how strangely familiar here in 2007)....He was upset that THEY WERE NOT PRAYING....IT WAS TO BE A HOUSE OF PRAYER.....
DO any of these young bloggin hipster (yeah right...) pastors EVEN PRAY? TO THE LORD JESUS? WHEN THEY ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES? WHich means they must NOT pray....EVER,.,,,,cause they are ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES......
Oh wretched man....worms that we are...get on your face before God and repent.
Posted by: T.J. | August 17, 2007 at 10:26 AM
If you want to be really legalistic, it's "coarse joking", not "course joking"...
Posted by: The Garbage Man | August 17, 2007 at 09:15 AM
Right on, brother, I've had the same thoughts (even gave you props on my blog). Yes, yes, we should be able to talk about sex at church, but marketing the church and our sermon series in the same way a "Gentleman's Club" would is just shallow and overly obvious. It's like someone found out that "sex sells" and decided to climb in bed with the world (pun intended).
Love your sarcasm, you made a great point in a funny way!
Oh, and by the way, I was at a church that was doing the sex sermon and yes, they did have a guest appearance by Dr. Ruth (well, a man in a dress acting like Dr. Ruth). So, you're idea's been done!
Posted by: The Garbage Man | August 17, 2007 at 09:11 AM
The actual "humor" here is in the way David calls Anthony a legalist, when Anthony hardly said two sentences :-)
A legalist is apparently "anybody who thinks we follow the bible's instructions".
Question for Pastor Chris, is it even possible to cross this line of "course joking" in Ephesians 5:1-15:
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live alife of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or COURSE JOKING, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."
Why is that even in the bible, if it doesn't mean anything, or if anyone who believes it is "a legalist"?
Posted by: James A. | January 25, 2007 at 07:09 PM
Anthony,
Before you try to judge people for things they say you must learn to discern and comprehend what people are saying. The post that Chris made was simply to show how absurd some churches look when they try to be "relevant" with people today. And if you truely knew Christ you would see the humor in the post. Personally I am a member "as of Wednesday" of Compass Point Church "where Chris is pastor in case you don't know", and I enjoy the humor. It is the legalistic people like you who cause me to leave church for several years and realize that you are all about religion and not about relationships. I must present you with my favorite verse from the Bible "notice it is capitalized hence it is a book title" - Song of Songs 4:5 "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies."
Sex is not something that is evil either as you suggest. It is a wonderful gift of God that is to be shared between a married couple. Evil has perverted it into being something "dirty" or "sinful". I think churches should support sex retreats for married couples and that would solve alot of tension in the church. (THAT WAS A JOKE ANTHONY YOU MAY LAUGH NOW)....... finished ok I will proceed. Some verses you need to read and study would be Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged! and Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone.
Life is too short not to laugh and have a sense of humor. So grow up.
Posted by: David Covey | January 23, 2007 at 09:23 AM
Anthony - Thanks for your comment. To answer your question...yes I do!!!
First- Humor, at its very historical core has been used to point out the absurdity in the world. Sometimes that humor can be harsh and biting, other times light and fluffy. Yet, it is usually meant with a purpose. As a pastor...and comedian...my main goal is cause folks to think. With that in mind, the SEX! posting was successful. The point to the entire thing was to illuminate the ridiculous nature that churches have become. The use of controversial sermon subjects and titles for the sole purpose of getting local (or national) press is just plain dumb. It was also to point out that churches/pastors follow the latest trends instead of their personal calling by God. They've become a clone of the latest mega-church success story.
Secondly - The words "ass", "hell" and "damn" are in the Bible. I see no problem in using them. Move on.
Thirdly - Sex is talked about openly in the Bible. From incest, to betrayal to prostitutes. The Song Of Solomon itself can cause one to sweat and blush. Again, I see no Biblical problem with my being open about it in the form of satire.
Finally - Thanks for your "discerning" concern for me and my pastoral responsibilities. I'm glad you set me straight. I'll be sure to let you know when my next accountability meeting is so you can attend.
Posted by: Chris Elrod | January 20, 2007 at 03:39 AM
Chris:
With all due respect, I think a good point was made in the comment below, regardless of the manner in which it was made.
Do you think that kind of humor is fitting for a pastor, and inline with the bible?
Posted by: Anthony | January 20, 2007 at 02:16 AM
BlogReader - Hey, thanks for the comment. Cool use of an ambiguous identity to take a shot - always the "Christian" thing to do.
As for the "us" you refer to, I'm not sure who "they" are. In all honesty, this blog only gets about 100 hits a day so I'm not sure how many "us's" are out there. Have your "friends" leave their comments also so I can feel the full scorn!!!
By the way, tell Ingrid I said "hello". My real goal with this post was to make her "Hall Of Shame". However, with the demise of the Slice my dream will never become reality. :-)
Posted by: Chris Elrod | January 20, 2007 at 12:55 AM
I think we get the humor in this post, but some of us are wondering how it fits with the bible's instructions to let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth.
Posted by: BlogReader | January 19, 2007 at 11:39 PM
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and have liked it quite a lot. As of late I can't wait to read it on a daily basis to find out what you are going to say or who is going to be caught in your headlights. Absolutely loving the hard hitting truth in your posts in the past couple weeks. Loved this post. Dead on.
Posted by: Clint | January 10, 2007 at 01:56 PM
Dude, if I were drinking something when I wrote this, I would need a new keyboard, again!
You are crackin me up lately! Keep it up, man!
Posted by: Tony | January 10, 2007 at 04:46 AM